Fathers
Posted on | June 20, 2010 | Comments Off
Fathers Day. She wished a very happy one to her friends who were Fathers.
She also believed the psychobabble that stated a daughter’s early relationship with her father had a direct impact on her future relationships with the men in her life. No wonder she was so messed up. Thanks so very much Dad. This is why you really aren’t a part of my life now. I haven’t learned forgiveness for myself and certainly not you. I wish you no happiness on this day. I hope you know how much you have hurt me…
Screams
Posted on | June 20, 2010 | Comments Off
She was exhausted from the meltdown she’d had earlier in the day, the one that had her in tears repeating the words “I can’t do this anymore” over and over. Definitely not an example of positive self talk by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she had spoken positively to herself in a while. As of late it was mostly just beating herself up for not getting things done, for putting herself in a situation where she’d have so much to do in so little time, for making bad choices years ago that were affecting her now.
She truly wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone. She didn’t want to deal with anything or anyone. She didn’t want responsibility or interaction with anyone or anything. She wanted her head to stop. She wanted the screaming inside her head to stop.
She was having difficulty coping and making others understand was not an easy task. It is not something one can simply explain, certainly not to someone who hasn’t been there and certainly not in a manner that makes sense. She didn’t feel she was conveying her thoughts properly as she wasn’t getting the desired responses. She’d have to work on that. Perhaps it was the screaming interfering with her ability to communicate?
After she’d cried herself out and taken a pill for just these occasions, she lay quiet, noticing an almost hollow quality to the way she felt. There was an emptiness, dull around the edges but defined.
She wondered how one learned to forgive. She wondered if the screams would stop.
Happiness found…
Posted on | June 18, 2010 | 1 Comment
She had sat outside and just watched and listened. The tiny lights of the fireflies brought a smile to her face and sweet memories of her childhood to mind. The birds singing filled the air with a kind of tranquility she hadn’t felt in a long, long time. It was warm and peaceful and although there was so much to do, for a few minutes, it didn’t matter. The world was a magical place. She’d found happiness in fireflies.
How many times?
Posted on | June 18, 2010 | Comments Off
How many times can one start over?
Once upon a time…
Posted on | June 18, 2010 | Comments Off
She wondered what happened to the girl who she used to be. She realized last night that girl was truly gone. A new version of herself was now forming, and she wasn’t sure what she thought of her. She didn’t necessarily like who she was before, but she wasn’t sure of what she was becoming. She simply knew it was time for a new beginning and to embrace the future. She’d been holding onto the past for far too long.
She was still procrastinating and she really was running out of time to get things done. She would have to step it up. Company was coming. She needed to get herself in order. Wasn’t that what it all was about? Getting her head in order? At least she realized she was a bit loony. Not everyone was able to say that.
When someone dies
Posted on | June 15, 2010 | Comments Off
She had gotten an email late last night that someone she’d worked with had passed away after a battle with pancreatic cancer. This was the second loss of someone she knew to this horrible disease this year. She was surprised and saddened to hear of this loss, she had no idea her one time friend and mentor had been suffering.
She supposed that she was now entering the phase in her life that people would be dying around her more frequently. Disease and natural causes would claim people she loved and there wasn’t anything she could do to stop it. It was part of life. She didn’t like it. She was scared. She was really scared. She wasn’t ready for this.
Nancy was a paramedic and wonderful one at that who saved many lives and helped countless others. She will be missed by many. May she rest in peace.
Pro Cras Tin Na A Tion Is Making Me Late….
Posted on | June 11, 2010 | Comments Off
She amazed herself at her ability to find things to do other than what she should be doing. She did get her car battery replaced. (Finally!) And her windshield wipers replaced. And she was anxious for the new spacebar to arrive so she could replace that and ditch the USB keyboard she was using. She could probably find a few other things to replace since she was on a replacement kick. Maybe some batteries, her toothbrush, the possibilities were endless.
She needed to dig deep and find some motivation. Apparently none of her self help books ever taught her how. (They never taught her much of anything, they just became clutter!) She’d definitely have to consider writing a self help book. If she ever figured herself out that is.
Now she was reduced to nothing but whining about doing nothing. She must focus on the goal. Think of the sense of accomplishment she’d have if she’d just get it done. She needed a Drill Sergeant. She needed a nap.
Cleaning the wrong thing leads to tragedy of sorts
Posted on | June 10, 2010 | Comments Off
She was in tears…She had accidentally pried up the space bar on her laptop to clean something that had gotten caught beneath it and in the process she snapped it off completely breaking the little tabs that hold it on and now it would have to be replaced. She’d tried in vain to put it back together but there was no hope. It was broken and she was devastated. Thank goodness for USB keyboards or this entry would be one run-on sentence.
This was another example of procrastination because there was no reason for her to be cleaning her laptop at the time this tragedy occurred. In fact, she was actually playing a video game and noticed the offending schmutz and decided to eradicate it. She was really, really upset at herself. The kind of upset one gets when they back their own vehicle up into a pole or something. It was her own fault. And now it was one more thing she had to worry about getting fixed. (One more distraction from cleaning.)
If she took it somewhere, she knew she’d pay a fortune for something she could fix herself given a little patience and non broken pieces. But, there was this little complication of the manufacturer apparently making this same model laptop with several different types of the internal hooky thingie that holds the keys on and the photos she had to compare hers to didn’t match any. Hmm. She’d have to get on the phone and call the place and see if they could help her select one. Great, trying to describe it on the phone should be interesting.
One more thing to beat herself up over. Wonderful. Her poor baby. She didn’t mean to hurt it…
More excuses!
Posted on | June 9, 2010 | Comments Off
Ok, so going to the grocery store was necessary she thought to herself. She was quick about it thanks to what seemed like every woman other than herself wearing a gallon of perfume poisoning the air. She dashed through the store forgetting most everything she needed just to escape out into the fresh air so she could breathe again.
Then she was invited shopping. She had to go. It was her duty to assist someone who was not a regular Marshall’s/HomeGoods shopper to find what she was looking for. One must know how to conquer these stores. Sure, she should be cleaning. But this was important. (And cleaning was discussed while shopping and storage containers were looked at though not purchased.)
And now it was a marathon of BONES, the series, starting with season one on Netflix streaming which she actually started last night when she was procrastinating after tearing up her uniform shirts. She had a headache and so she needed to lay down for a bit. So what if she was on her third episode.
So for today, absolutely NOTHING has gotten done. This was not good. Not good at all. She wasn’t taking this seriously. Maybe she couldn’t. Maybe she was too much of a Zombie to care. Hmm, was she taking this seriously?
She seemed frantic but not, if that made sense. She seemed cluttered internally and externally. She was spinning out of control and she had to grab ahold of the reigns before she crashed.
Can’t be trusted with scissors
Posted on | June 8, 2010 | Comments Off
She was feeling much better after her latest journey into the land of creativity. She had some left over uniform shirts and was able to get a couple of them at least out of the room they were cluttering. (Yay!) She made little cuts at the bottom, then tore the fabric and needless to say, enjoyed the sound of the ripping fabric more than she probably should have. She was still so very sad to have had to leave her much loved career behind, but it was liberating to tear up these uniform shirts that had been her second skin. She had worn them proudly and now they would be transformed into something no one would recognize but her. (Wonderful frayed fabric balls to be arranged in a pottery bowl.) She liked that.
Of course this was another form of procrastination. Craft project in the middle of what should have been cleaning. She could have set them aside for craft time later. Bad girl. Again. But at least something was getting done, as opposed to mindless tv viewing or semi-mindless book reading. (Is book reading ever bad?) She could be wasting all of her time staring at the computer (wicked grin) but this would end shortly.
How about them Yankees???
Ok ok…back to work….
Hello out there
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