Screams
Posted on | June 20, 2010 | Comments Off
She was exhausted from the meltdown she’d had earlier in the day, the one that had her in tears repeating the words “I can’t do this anymore” over and over. Definitely not an example of positive self talk by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, she couldn’t remember the last time she had spoken positively to herself in a while. As of late it was mostly just beating herself up for not getting things done, for putting herself in a situation where she’d have so much to do in so little time, for making bad choices years ago that were affecting her now.
She truly wanted to curl up in a ball and be left alone. She didn’t want to deal with anything or anyone. She didn’t want responsibility or interaction with anyone or anything. She wanted her head to stop. She wanted the screaming inside her head to stop.
She was having difficulty coping and making others understand was not an easy task. It is not something one can simply explain, certainly not to someone who hasn’t been there and certainly not in a manner that makes sense. She didn’t feel she was conveying her thoughts properly as she wasn’t getting the desired responses. She’d have to work on that. Perhaps it was the screaming interfering with her ability to communicate?
After she’d cried herself out and taken a pill for just these occasions, she lay quiet, noticing an almost hollow quality to the way she felt. There was an emptiness, dull around the edges but defined.
She wondered how one learned to forgive. She wondered if the screams would stop.
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