Um, if you don’t take ahold of the steering wheel, you will crash…
Posted on | March 22, 2010 | Comments Off
I’m always baffled at how one can spend hours with their mind racing, horrible thoughts trailing through, “what ifs” causing a literal state of fear in the body, chemicals out of balance, more thoughts racing, anticipatory anxiety eating a hole in one’s chest leaving an empty cavern aching for something to fill it, but really nothing can. Any attempt at alleviating the pain would be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and then the frustration would add to the anxiety causing even more pain. Actually pain may not be the right word here, because pain can be exactly what alleviates the anxiety. At least for a little while. Physical pain can be good. But it isn’t easy to obtain physical pain without a whole other set of problems. It isn’t socially graceful to cut oneself and if you aren’t emotionally strong enough to handle criticism, piercings and tattoos and spankings can be trouble as well. Beating oneself over the head probably doesn’t really fit the bill, though might knock some sense in. Haven’t tried that one personally though I’m sure I have a few friends who’d love to do it for me. And then there are the health care professionals who probably disagree with this theory completely. (If anyone is reading this, please seek professional help and don’t go out and bonk yourself on the head or anything ok?)
But I digress…I think that rant was going somewhere in the direction of waiting for something, worrying about it, and then it not turning out anything like we expected. Wow, aint life fun. And we know this happens all the time. Anticipatory anxiety is a killer…carving an invisible hole in a person, their guts often spilling out all over as they break down emotionally. Not pretty. So how can emptyness hurt? If something isn’t there, why would it hurt? (Suddenly I’m hearing someone asking that stupid question of a bear knocking a tree down in the woods, would anyone hear it?) But I guess the two aren’t the same. I can justify sound waves. I cannot see any hole in my chest, but I feel it. I feel a longing for something I cannot even put words to. Hope perhaps? Happiness? Love? (gasp, I hate that word. It’s so tv/movie/music romanticized and I think the reality of it is so far from what most people think.)
And while I’m ranting to the great “NOT THERE” since I’m guessing that’s who I’m ranting to, what happened to the story I wasn’t supposed to be writing right now? Where’d it go? Oh…ha…that’s right. I had thought things were going to go one way…and then they didn’t yet again. And now I’m sitting here, baffled.
Maybe I really do need that bonk on the head.
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Hello out there
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