Tastes like poison

Fears of what the night will bring

Sleep, deep and unknowing

A brain chemically rewired

Waking, feeling submerged

Mellow, as if I could fall off the bed
and melt into the fibers of the carpet
never to be seen again.

She looked, but couldn’t touch

She wanted to, a desire was there

She wanted to fall in deep, and satisfying

She looked, but she couldn’t touch

He asked if she did, and she said “she was good”

She fell quickly to sleep and dreams took over

She was flying a helicopter but didn’t know where to land

People on the ground gave her directions but she didn’t know where to go

She was now on a train

A poster of A Mohamed Ali fight was there with her name on it…

She was definitely a fighter

She watched as the boxes of chicken and other passengers were leaving her train and taking other tunnels…

She wanted to know where they were going

She awoke at the same time as every morning

How did she feel now, what had she done? What had she not done?

The pill sat in its container next to the bed

She looked at it, but she couldn’t get herself to take it last night

Now she would pay.

It is supposed to take the racing thoughts away…

To bring clarity to a cluttered mind…to bring hope.

Quickly, it melts beneath my tongue, bitter, numbing, I shiver and gag.

I begin to lose control of my body, but not my mind.

I feel drugged, I am heavy as if huge weights have been placed upon me.

I am scared…there is a moment of no control.

I don’t know what could happen… I feel vulnerable…and then…

I am waking up, groggy, it is morning and I must go about my day,

But I fear the night.

Another form, so the hole she felt could heal and be forgotten.

The waves would be smooth, the ride building in intensity until its peak.

A fall off a cliff, the splash of a rebirth, she hangs her head and tries to breathe.

You call out to me. I recognize the words, but not the face.

I feel pain, but there is no wound in view.

I try to speak, but bubbles just flow from my mouth.

I’m falling now, a different place, yet the same.

Around and around the merry-go-round goes ’round

Tears fall.                                                   

I am still me.

I am incapable of true forgiveness of myself, yet somehow, I forgive you the pieces it has become.

Questions answered by not answering, silence hangs in the air as I gasp for a breath I cannot fully take.

A longing for something that can never be found.  It aches within me, always.